Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
You better wish for more oil
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: