Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
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Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me driving through Toronto
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.