Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
never deleting this app.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.