Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER