Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”