*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
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In space, no one can hear…
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Made something I’m not proud of
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me irl
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
there’s music for literally every activity
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.