*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
The government even made aliens boring
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
airing out the snack pack
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”