Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

True story 🤣

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

i cant believe ChatGPT lost its job to AI

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Happy Thanksgiving

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

ㅤ

new year update: losing everything but weight

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid