eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.