eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison