eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.