Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
You can’t rush stupid.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
