Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
You Might Also Like
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
lost dog
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue