Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.