Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football