Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
