Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have some company

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Krampus.

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

🤣🤣🤣

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.