eating my hot dog hamburger style
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
there’s music for literally every activity
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
dark side of the loom
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Love it! 👍😂
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess