eating my hot dog hamburger style
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”