eating my hot dog hamburger style
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.