eating my hot dog hamburger style
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I will never stop laughing at this
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect