*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
You Might Also Like
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
never ask a starfish for directions
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime