*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.