Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*