Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
that lip filler tho
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
me and the Superbowl rn
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?