Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Hard not to take this personally

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.