Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*