Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
What if all the cashiers are married?
Why I divorced her.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.