Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.