Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
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I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.