Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
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Mmmm canned fish.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?