Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen