Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot