Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.