Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.