Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
X-tra spooky blend
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
