Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener