Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”