[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
WHO DID THIS?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?