Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
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Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.