Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.