eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing