eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
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German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding