eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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you will never know the true number of layers
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When the stylist spins you back around
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off