Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

pat pat

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.