Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?