Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked