[hitting on hot babe in bar]
“.. You’re 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you’re not gonna believe this..”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.