@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

You Might Also Like

@thatdutchperson

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

@AndrewsNotFunny

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@Book_Krazy

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@charmfoz

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

@Victoryoftheppl

Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min

Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min

Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min

@Cpin42

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

@bryanmcc74

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !