@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

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@jazmasta

[hitting on hot babe in bar]
“.. You’re 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you’re not gonna believe this..”

@HenpeckedHal

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

@mrsburtmacklin

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

@HenpeckedHal

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

@alispagnola

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

@chuuew

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.