Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.