[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min
Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min
Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they’re ugly.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !