Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.