[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Good boy 😂😂
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?