[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
see next tweet for some translations
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Toxic snake
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*bites zombie*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.