[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: itâs a little cold đ¤
You Might Also Like
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
her: this isnât going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes itâs because of the mashed potatoes
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesnât mean I have a plan
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
âItâs not about whoâs right or wrong.â
~ The person that is wrong
If you are fasting you canât swallow that piece of food thatâs been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes iâm a doctor
Remember back when you thought the movie âIdiocracyâ was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didnât disappoint.
Handmaidâs TALE not Handmaidâs Handbook
[the â4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypseâ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseysâ!!!
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Why do I say ânoâ to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe itâs because Iâm not gonna do fully 50% of a stranglerâs job for him.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Donât feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
23. the denim jacket
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and heâs losing his shit.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
An F wouldnât be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. Thatâd be like aâŚwhatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
âI heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?â
-Me, as a therapist.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
âEasy as pieâ does not sound easy to me. Make it âEasy as Hot Pocketsâ or âEasy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridgeâ
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybodyâŚ
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:âŚ.
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:âŚ
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out âSUREâ
do you suppose we could ever be⌠well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesnât reply*
pain
