[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
lost dog
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”