Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping