Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick