Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

💯😂

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

no such thing as a dumb question

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.