[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
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That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Would you wear it?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi