Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

bout dat hot dog summer

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.