Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.