Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
HELP 😭
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I wanna be friends with this person
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany