Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.