Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
he chose this
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.