Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls