Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

2023 was just a warmup

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.