Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

Donating blood today to make room for more food

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.