Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
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breakfast, the most important beer of the day
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
#DesignFail
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force