Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
You Might Also Like
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.