@LizHackett

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

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@MustardSally1

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

@Sickayduh

Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.

@nyquills

Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.

Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

@NourHadidi

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you’re walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don’t forget to stop as you enter the restroom.

@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]