Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..