Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
You Might Also Like
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.