Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I didn’t come here to be called names
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook