What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
choose your fighter
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter