Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.