Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
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Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini