Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
don’t be scared
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him