Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.