Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER